POSTED 2/5/13


STAR TREK

Paramount/Namco Bandai
PS3 (also on Xbox 360, PC)

Captain James Tiberius (heehee) Kirk once mused, “The more complex the mind, the greater the need for the simplicity of play.”

If that’s indeed the case, then Stephen Hawking might be getting his jollies playing this. As for us mere dummies...

On paper - an increasingly illogical device - all ingredients are present for a romptastic Trek, erm, trek. A professionally-penned story that hovers between the first and second of JJ Abrams’ reboots, original voices, Paramount being involved...

Sadly, however, something got lost in the universal translator – all the more frustrating as there’re good bits. They’re just imprisoned within a meteor shower of poo.

Quick story synopsis: Vulcan’s been zappified, pointy-eareded logic-lovers are trying to set up New Vulcan, but hilarious lizard-like interstellar meanies the Gorn have other ideas. Cue a fairly typical third-person shooter adventure, but with blokes saying “wessel”.

Designed ideally as a two-player co-op affair, singletons get saddled with AI possessing all the mental acuity of a ShamWow. Hey! Kirk just materialised from the non-door side of the lift. Again! “Spock! I! Need! Help!” “Not now Captain, I’m busy walking into this wall repeatedly.” “But! Spock! That’s! Illogical!” ”Ah, fuck off, staccato breath.”

Anyway, there’s tedious exploration that can easily lead to lostness, due both to repetitive level design and possible snoozing here and there from constantly tricorderising surroundings. This is interspersed with various minigames that, mercifully, you can command AI to handle (sucks to be you if playing with a human), and breaks for gunge-swimming, phiring photons and such.

Despite looking like something that a PS2 dragged in, illogical aims (be peaceful, but numerous trophies reward killing), ploppy platforming and Betty Boo calibre lip synch, things aren’t entirely suckulent. The simple shooting works, the soundtrack’s magnificent, and voice acting’s mostly fun. Sadly though the game rarely is.

Another dream that failed. There’s nothing sadder...

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