STEALTH INC: A CLONE IN THE DARK
bastard! You utter, utter, utter, utter, utter, UTTER bastard!
Words we’ve hurled variously at Vita and PS3 whilst scrapping
through this sneaky scanline-suffused, Impossible Mission-esque
stealth puzzler – and we weren’t referring to its title before
politically correct fuckwits got involved, Stealth Bastard.
Uh, that was the title, not an insult to you, bastard reader. Yes,
it seems ‘bastard’ is too harsh a word for the delicate
sensitivities of PlayStation consumers, according to somebody. Who
is, unequivocally, a bastard.
Yes, Stealth Bastard/Inc
will expose any latent Tourette’s. Or, if you already swear like
troopers allegedly do, it’ll make you swear like, erm, a squadron of
troopers – at a giant jamboree of more troopers. Why? Its puzzles
are bastards. Utter, utter...
You control an
UZI-less Arnie-like clone. You must stick to shadows to avoid major
sortie-ending zappingness from turrets, cameras, conveyors and more.
Various environmental objects can be shuffled to provide convenient
shadows, as you seek safe avenues to throwing switches and hacking
computers to enable you to get the hell out... Only to face another
Seriously, compared to whoever’s
behind these torturous puzzles GLaDOS is your mum. The mostly
mocking messages that pop up in a fuck-knucklingly “Keep calm
and...” style only add to the sheer, well, bastardry of everything.
But damn if it isn’t fun – in a ‘brain, I’m gonna make you earn
those peanuts’ kinda way. Not only does just conquering each of 80
levels (plus endless extras thanks to a construction kit) provide
sanity succour, completists must hunt for bastardly hidden helixes
(or ‘helices’ if thou prefereth). Then there’s aiming for super-ace
times to improve marks.
While ace on Vita, it’s easier to see
goings-on playing via PS3 on an enormo-telly – with the
squelchtastic analog soundtrack thumping through your stereo at
ear-bleed level to wreak revenge on your subwoofer-obsessed