the 1980s infancy of videogames, cowboy companies would licence a
smasheroonie movie and stickytape it onto whatever shitacular shell
they had hanging around. We’ve come a long way baby. But Activision
The plotty-plot with 007 Legends is to take one iconic
flick by each Bond – you know, Sean, Georgie, Roge, Timmy and
L’Oreal Boy - and use them as a precursor for a soon-downloadable level based on
Skyfall, the latest film from the latest 007, Danny Craig. All
in celebration of it being 50 years since Mr Connery first ordered a
“shaken, not shtirred” martini in Dr No... Umm, except that
he actually first ordered such a tipple in Goldfinger.
Seriously, a classier party would be grabbing a sparkler and stabbing
a straw into a bag of goon.
Firstly, there’s historical revisionism, whereby Daniel Craig – or
some bloke imitating him (badly) as the real one (wisely) couldn’t
be fucked showing up - plays all the Bonds in Goldfinger,
On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, Moonraker,
Licence to Kill and Die Another Day. Modern tech’s
interspersed throughout – we’re pretty sure that they didn’t have
mobiles in 1964, and if they did they’d have likely been of Volkswagenesque proportions.
Secondly? Let’s clone our golden child, Call of Duty, but
lose a chromosome so it looks all PS2ey – and plays like it. From
the opening where a 4WD floated along a track our hackles raised.
Cue clunky, super-repetitive levels, hyper-dumbarse anonymous
henchmen, poxy vehicular bits and fisticuffs with a few familiar
(distorted) faces. Repeat.
Then? Included in the (mercifully) brief main campaign are
stealthiness (where you’ll get spotted even if quieter than a mute
mouse impersonator), clunky gadgetry mini-excursions and load times
to kill over.
007 is an icon. Rather than a licence to swill, this should’ve been
an all time high... Because we’re worth it – and so is Mr Bond.