something new and different, we’re befuddled. We’re told that the
principal difference between apes and monkeys, other than thinky-stuff
magnitude, is that the former don’t have tails. In this case then,
the title ‘Ape Escape’ would be correct.
However, the simian characters within Ape Escape are
continually referred to as monkeys. So where the fuck are their
fricking tails then? Huh?! Are Sony toying with our feeble little
minds, or do they need a bit more evolutionary edumacation?
We loved previous Ape Escape capers, so were well keen for
our PS3 to gulp this disc and transport us to primate-nabbing
nirvana. Then we discovered it ain’t no platformer, rather a basic
first-person on-rails shooter/netter. Boo, hiss!
Kudos to Sony for trying to nail a story to something that’s
ultimately flimsier than an Ikea stool though, nonsensical as it is.
This monkey’s gone to heaven – that’ll do. Evil emo monkey Specter’s
your quarry, but as you trudge through myriad undemanding levels in
pursuit, you face a barrage of impostors. You trundle (on rails),
shoot at bananas and stuff, are stopped to net stoopid, tailless
monkeys, then repeat the process until you catch another bogus
Specter, which usually takes mere seconds.
Eventually there’s a boss battle with King Kong in drag – another
basic exercise alternating FWAP and PEW before you roll onto more of
the same. We were kinda doing the poot by this point.
This Ape Escape’s an amoebic kiddie game rather than the
hoped-for sharp platformer that, judging by the dearth of trophies,
was once intended to be a PSN release. We’re super-yay for Move
support, but seriously, can’t Sony look at some of the better Wii
stuff from its several years on Earth and aim there, rather than
setting the sights to ‘Wiijects’?
Disconsolately, we’re gibbon this…