POSTED 13/8/11


BASTION

WB Games
Xbox 360/XBLA

The reviewer sits at her desk to muse about Bastion. She puts fingers to keyboard then jumps with a start, reels around and screams, “ARGH!!! Who the fuck are you hoary old man, and why are you narrating my every move?!”

Fisticuffs ensue. The reviewer floors the hoary old man with a deft kick to the scrotal region. She pins him and reaches for a convenient roll of gaffer tape, rips loose a generous strip and smmffbmmffgmmffbrrrbble…

Jebus, and you reckon this gig’s easy? Strange old fuckers home invading was NOT in the job description. But reviewing games was and we’re running out of space, so onto this latest in the burgeoning Ladies-and-Gentlemen-we-are-Floating-in-Space genre.

What’s all that old man shit? Well, this dude narrates your every move in this vividly-illustrated isometric RPGish action adventure. Well, more or less every move. It’s not “walks, walks, turns, stops, shoots”, but novelty and all it sure gets on your tits quickly. Frustratingly, however, without him you’d be several shades of stuffed, as he’s the one gradually unveiling the story.

Basically, according to housebreaking voiceover bloke your world was destroyed by an apocalyptic event called ‘The Calamity’, and everybody you held dear is dead. Dang, next thing you know you’ll discover it’s up to you alone to fix everything... oh.

So, you flit between various worlds, trundling about platforms that fwoosh in from nowhere, breaking stuff, gathering weaponry, killinating various attackers, solving occasional puzzles and plundering looty thingies. You also collect cores to plug into your hub world, the titular Bastion, to get life rocking in these floaty platformy parts once more.

Bastion’s a fab Zeldatastic affair harbouring an often stunning emotional depth that unfurls as you venture ever deeper. But no time for such things currently, we’ve got a body to dispose of...

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