BEJEWELED BLITZ LIVE
Xbox 360/XBLA (also on PC)
GRRRRARRRB! Bibble. FNERBBB! Bubble! AAANGHH! Bobble! POYIP! Dragon.
WAUGHHH! Cricket reference. Jebus, this thing’s reduced us to a
Yes, stress has a new name, and it’s Bejeweled Blitz. Forget
veneers of calming, soothing, hippie-trippy zenacity like regular
incarnations of Bejeweled deliver, this fucker’s for the
‘meh’ generation. No time? Fnuh, 60 seconds and you’re done. Out of
there, off to preen your fauxhawk and fidget with the digit dots on
For you, over there – yes you, don’t look bashful now - the one
person who has NFI what Bejeweled is, it’s a puzzle game
where you match three or more same-coloured gems in vertical or
horizontal lines, at which point they go kablooey and the holes left
are filled with an endless stream of more coloured jewels sent from
wherever above. The better the matches and bigger the kaboominations,
the more score you amass. Simple pimple!
Usually there’s time to ponder, drink in the ambience and even
breathe, but not here – as you may have gathered from our
over-the-top blahedy-blah up to this point. But it’s not
exaggerated. 60 seconds is fleeting, so pressure’s on from the
get-go. Then the 30 second warning comes and before you know it
hippie-nag voiceover chick’s reading the name of the best Midnight
Oil album at you. It’s so high-pressure that we reckon the Dalai
Lama would lose his shit playing this.
Two flavours of Bejeweled are included – the classic
move-a-gem-one-spot thing as well as ‘Twist’, where you go all
rotational on the arses of four gem cubular groups. Solo players are
catered for, but the real aim here’s sociability – even if fleeting.
Mind you, stopping at one game isn’t easy – unless you suffer an
aortal ventricular meltdown, which is entirely possible.