BURGERTIME WORLD TOUR
Xbox 360/XBLA (also on PS3/PSN, Wii/Wiiware, PC)
ever there was a perfect time and place for a Homer Simpson quote,
this would be it. But that’d be too gosh-darned-diddily easy.
For those less rickety than us, BurgerTime was an early 1980s
arcade game which, by the very nature of its vintage, was resolutely
2D. You controlled a little chefinistic dude called Peter Pepper
(who apparently picked a peck of pickled pipers), climbing ladders
and traversing Donkey Kong-esque beams. These held hamburger
ingredients – patties, lettuce, cheese, sesame seed buns (but we
don’t remember special sauce, pickles or onions – hey, advertising
had no effect on us as McKids) which tumbled to the level below as
you gradually assembled burgertastic burgers, whilst avoiding or
flinging condiments at mobile ingredients that wanted you dead,
It was fun, in a clunky 1982 kinda way.
Now, woe-betide anybody should update a game to the 21st century
whilst keeping the core play mechanics intact (except Namco, who
rock at it), so the peeps at Konami (and we’re fucked if we know how
they ended up with the rights to this) farmed BurgerTime out
to somebody who believed tinkering was a wise move.
Now the 2D girders have become 3D towers vaguely reminiscent of ’80s
classic Nebulus, except shit. There are numerous platforms
that open, shut, squish you and more over 50 levels, and new enemies
abound. They’ve basically tried to take a trusty fish and chip shop
burger and go all wanky gourmet with it like those places that
insert spurious apostrophes into their names. It hasn’t worked.
What’s worse is that it could have, but controls and collision
detection that we’d be complimenting if we called them clunky do
their damnedest to destroy any semblance of fun or innovation.
They succeed. No vegans are crying over this one, but we are.