PS3/PSN (also on Xbox 360/XBLA/Kinect)
Boing, boom SMASH! Bang, boom STACK! Klang, shoom FRACK! Oh, pardon
us – just practicing being Kraftwerk.
So, we are the operator of our PSN smashinator, aka Burnout
Crash!. Dickens may have had Great Expectations, but they
were piffling compared to ours for this. After all, it’s from
Criterion, creators of 10/10 cargasm masterpieces Burnout
Paradise and Burnout Takedown.
Realistically BC! didn’t have a prayer of living up to our
expectations – and it didn’t. The first hour had us livid at its
shit-sandwichness. Numerous hours later, we grew accustomed to its
face, but we were hardly phoning Interflora.
So, we exhumed Takedown to revisit crash mode and check
whether we’d mixed our prescription specs with our rose-colouredies.
We had; herbing towards kablooeynation was ace, but then it went
BC! basically purloins that meh-tainted crash mode, smushes
it into Super Sprint-styled topdownedness and jams it inside
a pinnie. You begin mono-vehicularly with one playable level. Earn
stars by achieving score targets and six locations, each with three
crash junctions and three varying goals to get pointy with,
gradually unlock. Hit something wheeled and carnage commences. When
your multiplier fills, go boom now to take out as much surrounding
stuff as possible, all in the name of cash... and celestial
It sounds funnerer than it actually is. Sure, strategists’ll get
their jollies, but when detonating cars, buildings and anything else
mindless enough to get onscreen, surely the keyword should be ‘fun’?
Instead it’s usually ‘grind’, and this ain’t no flipping skateboard
If only presentation mattered, BC! would out 11 Spinal Tap.
From the Autolog to the plethora of deftly-utilised licensed music,
it’s slicker than a Slip ’n Slide doused in baby oil. But
ultimately, ‘showtime’ in Burnout Paradise is acer.
BP’s essential; BC! feels kinda prehistoric…