POSTED 4/5/16


COFFIN DODGERS

Milky Tea/Wales Interactive

The Reaper went down to Sunny Pines, he was lookin’ for some olds to steal...

You’d think that a retirement village would be ripe for oldie plucking, and you’d be right. But Mr Grim isn’t going to have the doddly time reaping that he expected, for these octogenarians are hoons, taking to the streets on their mobility scooters and burning rubber. Well, we think that’s what that smell is...

You see, they’re not shuffling off without a fight, so they challenge Death to beat them. If he doesn’t, they live. If he does, they get endeadened – but their ghosts return to make up the numbers for what is, as you may have surmised, a kart racer.

A very average kart racer, sadly. In fact we reckon it needs its own mobility scooter because it’s... wait for it... so lame!

Ahem, sorry.

So why does it smell all mothbally? Well, there’re only a handful of unnamed tracks in a handful of areas. While some are OK, most aren’t due to hokey design. Steering's hypersensitive and karts have no ability to drift – although the camera does. You can pick any of seven racers (initially) and handling-wise they’re identical – you slowly power up karts via coinage. You need to in order to compete, as there’s no rubber-banding to maintain a contest. Stuff up badly and you stay stuffed-up badly.

Then there’s presentation. ‘X - CONTINUE’ the game says. We stab the ‘X’ button... 10 seconds later something eventually happens. We get cacked on from a great height in a race, so hit ‘RESTART’ in the pause menu... nothing happens! We quit at one point and get a black screen emulator for our troubles...

We’d say that Coffin Dodgers feels old, but the very blueprint for karting games, Super Mario Kart, came out way back in 1992 and still rocks. So, umm, Doffin’ Codgers feels positively prehistoric. Jurassic Kart anybody?

CLICK THIS!



CLICK THIS!