Guinea pigs. They’re honourable little test subjects, having saved
us from plaguesque diphtheria and possibly countless other greeblies.
In Crush 3D, you – shiny black eyes and all - are a guinea
pig. No pressure to save us from shitty diseases or anything...
You’re the supposed buddy of some mad professor who’s delighted to
use you experimentally, rather than some fuzzy rodent that the human
race usually assumes is more expendable, as fuzzy families worldwide
mourn their rellies that end up with perma-mascara or ears growing
from their arses.
As such, you’ve a helmet doobrie slapped on your bonce, called
CRUSH, which basically goes all “I’m crushing your head!” on you.
Not really, actually, we just wanted to reference
The Kids in the Hall.
What it does do is allow you to smush your perception of stuff.
Generally we see in 3D, however a flick of a switch results in
everything going flatter than a Biggest Loser’s Odour Eaters. This
is the key to progress through 40 levels of often devious puzzler.
You tromp about collecting marbles. Gather enough then the end of
level will open and you can get the fuck out – and onto another
Collectibles add to stress – don’t find the trophy or the photo
album and you won’t get, erm, a trophy or a photo album. If you’re
obsessively completionistic then you’ll go doolally trying to nab
them all, in a kinda Pokémon
style without the fuzzy Japanesey cutetasticness.
Your anticrapness will depend almost solely on your ability to
examine 3D space and reinterpret it in 2D. A platform may be way
over there, but flatten the landscape all sideways-like and it’ll be
perfectly accessible. Wow, we’re freaking out!
If you dig nice, simple, walk-in-the-park puzzlers then forget this.
Enjoy exercising your witty bits, however? Then cough up the bucks –
just not near us, diphtheria-breath.