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POSTED 8/7/11


CUBIC NINJA

Ubisoft
3DS

Hmm, most useless things ever... Leaf blowers? Flowbees? Tits on bulls? Nup, princesses. All they ever fucking do is get kidnapped. Still, some dopey male ruled by his dick will always come to the rescue...

Righty-o. Now that we’ve alienated all Mario devotees, we get to this particular tale of purloined princesses and resolute rescuers. But this one’s different – he’s Cubic Ninja! Is it Domo-kun in Italian grandma drag? Is it an obscure Japanese unit of measurement? Is it Mr Strong taking a stalk on the shinobi side? No! It’s Cubic Ninja! Oh, we already said that. Umm...

OK. Pick a boxy battler then go a-mazing, battling assorted escalating killinating hazards and annoyances culminating in bot bosses, only to conquer then be shoomed to another maze and repeat – except, naturally, it gets harder.

It’s akin to those wooden marble maze things that you hold and tilt to get the ball from go to whoa. We seriously thought they’d have a super-cool name we didn’t know, but much research – uh, a couple of minutes... would you believe a speedy Google? Oops, broke that sentence – anyway, it seems they’re just wooden marble maze things, or sometimes labyrinths if you’re feeling kinda Bowie.

Why? Well, one control option’s super-ace – you tilt the 3DS up, down, left, right, forward, backwards to get Cubic dude going where you want. Don’t do it publicly though, ’cos you’ll look more fucktarded than an escapee from a Devo vid. Still, you can flip to normaler controls anytime, whereby the 3D kicks in and momentum – or usually lack thereof - will see you die quicker than the Macarena.

Prone to gaming tanties? Go away. Patient? Hello rewardiness, and upon finishing (too soon) the level creator will be your George to hug, pet and squeeze. Hmm, LittleCubePlanet – mmmmmm... orthogonal!

take me back to the start...

 



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ALL WRITTEN CONTENT COPYRIGHT © AMY FLOWER 2008-2017. GAME IMAGES COURTESY OF RESPECTIVE GAMES COMPANIES.