POSTED 26/9/12


DEAD OR ALIVE 5

Tecmo
PS3 (also on Xbox 360)

Want-ed – WANT-ED!!! Dead or ali-ye-i-ye-i-ye-ive! TWANG! TWANG! FUCKING TWANG!

Bon Jovi. Ick! Thanks DoA5 for reminding us of his/their existence.

Turning sarcasm off, other than recollections of shitful ‘80s blech rock we’re glad Dead or Alive’s back in The Fray (AGH! More shit US whininess!) of what’s become a jam-packed (raspberry, evidently) fighting fold.

Excuse us a sec, just exorcising to avoid more yuk incursions. Train. Creed. Now for multi-syllabic ones... Daughtry. Matchbox 20. Lifehouse, Nickelback...

We just threw up in our mouths a little. Eww.

Right. For any pervy little boys (or girls) out there, yes there are boobies – jiggly boobies, sweaty boobies... naturally of the variety that Bill Oddie doesn’t look at through binoculars. Well, hopefully.

Now that’s sorted, what remains is a competitive fighting game that holds its own amongst the tsunami of those others jostling for fight fan buckeroonies. DoA5 has a raft of options, starting with a story mode that’s essentially Days of Our Lives with biffo set in more countries than 007’s ever come to, seen and bonked in. It’s basically glorified training, and it’s bonkersly hootastic.

If you’re just in it for the punchgasms though, dive straight into arcade, versus, time attack, survival or training. We won’t insult you by explaining them further. Plus, of course, there’re several online modes.

Graphically things are OK, save for scenery that occasionally flickers like the Holodeck on the fritz. Sound’s suitably chunktastic and, bless its little black lace undies, DoA5 delivers something not every punch ‘em up deigns to, utterly veggie modes for players who just wanna mash like motherfuckers. Bliss! Naturally those who take it seriously with big heavy fighting sticks and such can set difficulty to stun and get busy. Stuff class warfare, this is a fighter for everybody.

Right, we’ve got an e-vil earworm with big hair to smushinate...

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