DEAD OR ALIVE 5
PS3 (also on Xbox 360)
Ė WANT-ED!!! Dead or ali-ye-i-ye-i-ye-ive! TWANG! TWANG! FUCKING
Bon Jovi. Ick! Thanks DoA5 for reminding us of his/their
Turning sarcasm off, other than recollections of shitful Ď80s blech
rock weíre glad Dead or Aliveís back in The Fray (AGH! More
shit US whininess!) of whatís become a jam-packed (raspberry,
evidently) fighting fold.
Excuse us a sec, just exorcising to avoid more yuk incursions.
Train. Creed. Now for multi-syllabic ones... Daughtry. Matchbox 20.
We just threw up in our mouths a little. Eww.
Right. For any pervy little boys (or girls) out there, yes there are
boobies Ė jiggly boobies, sweaty boobies... naturally of the variety
that Bill Oddie doesnít look at through binoculars. Well, hopefully.
Now thatís sorted, what remains is a competitive fighting game that
holds its own amongst the tsunami of those others jostling for fight
fan buckeroonies. DoA5 has a raft of options, starting with a
story mode thatís essentially Days of Our Lives with biffo
set in more countries than 007ís ever come to, seen and bonked in.
Itís basically glorified training, and itís bonkersly hootastic.
If youíre just in it for the punchgasms though, dive straight into
arcade, versus, time attack, survival or training. We wonít insult
you by explaining them further. Plus, of course, thereíre several
Graphically things are OK, save for scenery that occasionally
flickers like the Holodeck on the fritz. Soundís suitably
chunktastic and, bless its little black lace undies, DoA5
delivers something not every punch Ďem up deigns to, utterly veggie
modes for players who just wanna mash like motherfuckers. Bliss!
Naturally those who take it seriously with big heavy fighting sticks
and such can set difficulty to stun and get busy. Stuff class
warfare, this is a fighter for everybody.
Right, weíve got an e-vil earworm with big hair to smushinate...