POSTED 28/9/12


DOUBLE DRAGON NEON

Majesco
PS3/PSN (also on Xbox 360/XBLA)

Stop dragon my... Stop dragon my... Stop dragon my heart around.

Right, that’s ’80s enough to set the vibe. As is this 21st century spiffy-up of a groundbreaking (and face-breaking, spine-breaking, pride-breaking...) beat ’em up from, obviously, the 1980s. Why? Two players could play at once. As a team. Together against nefarious types.

As an idea of just how nefarious these particular types are, the first thing you witness is a bohunk hood punching your bodacious babe Marian in the tummy with gustonatic force. Umm, anarseholedoeswhatnow?! Then, seconds later, you’re smacking some bondage chick with breasty-bits thrusting a rigid middle digit towards gravity in-between wobbles. Sigh, equal opportunity rocks.

Still, things aren’t as brutal as the originator. That first edition was quite serious, mum. This one goes for that “Wasn't the ’80s a hoot? Let’s neck Island Coolers, don (Johnson) fluoro-hued threads and she-bop ironically to Cyndi Lauper” vibe. The humour has moments, especially in character voicing, and hey, the music’s fun. Then there’s numerous extra abilities delivered via mixtapes, all of which are levellable up. Umm, up-levellable. Meh, whatever.

But the collision detection! Fuck us if it isn’t an insurance company’s wet dream. SCHMACK! Nyahh, missed – insert foot to player’s solar plexus and cue incapacitation. Rinse and repeat. Woe betide you should try to thug-grab, as usually it’ll miss and... see previous consequence.

Still, if you dig traditional arcade challenge – lives are finite, despite the ability to purchase more, and you’ll likely use them up on the first boss encountered anyway (unless you use that thing called skill) – then you’ll heart this more than a Rubik’s Cube-clutching Teddy Ruxpin cuddling an Alf doll. But playing solo’s a fool’s errand, whereas ‘bro-op’, kicking into action the ‘Double’ bit of the titular titley thingy, feels smidgeonistically fairer.

This doesn’t have to be the big get even – but it’ll help if you ever wanna pash Marian again.

CLICK THIS!



CLICK THIS!