DOUBLE DRAGON NEON
PS3/PSN (also on Xbox 360/XBLA)
dragon my... Stop dragon my... Stop dragon my heart around.
Right, that’s ’80s enough to set the vibe. As is this 21st century
spiffy-up of a groundbreaking (and face-breaking, spine-breaking,
pride-breaking...) beat ’em up from, obviously, the 1980s. Why? Two
players could play at once. As a team. Together against nefarious
As an idea of just how nefarious these particular types are, the
first thing you witness is a bohunk hood punching your bodacious
babe Marian in the tummy with gustonatic force. Umm,
anarseholedoeswhatnow?! Then, seconds later, you’re smacking some
bondage chick with breasty-bits thrusting a rigid middle digit
towards gravity in-between wobbles. Sigh, equal opportunity rocks.
Still, things aren’t as brutal as the originator. That first edition
was quite serious, mum. This one goes for that “Wasn't the ’80s a
hoot? Let’s neck Island Coolers, don (Johnson) fluoro-hued threads
and she-bop ironically to Cyndi Lauper” vibe. The humour has
moments, especially in character voicing, and hey, the music’s fun.
Then there’s numerous extra abilities delivered via mixtapes, all of
which are levellable up. Umm, up-levellable. Meh, whatever.
But the collision detection! Fuck us if it isn’t an insurance
company’s wet dream. SCHMACK! Nyahh, missed – insert foot to
player’s solar plexus and cue incapacitation. Rinse and repeat. Woe
betide you should try to thug-grab, as usually it’ll miss and... see
Still, if you dig traditional arcade challenge – lives are finite,
despite the ability to purchase more, and you’ll likely use them up
on the first boss encountered anyway (unless you use that thing
called skill) – then you’ll heart this more than a Rubik’s
Cube-clutching Teddy Ruxpin cuddling an Alf doll. But playing solo’s
a fool’s errand, whereas ‘bro-op’, kicking into action the ‘Double’
bit of the titular titley thingy, feels smidgeonistically fairer.
This doesn’t have to be the big get even – but it’ll help if you
ever wanna pash Marian again.