Vita (also on PS3)
With six choices of characters in Dragon’s Crown, an
arcade RPG thingy, we first plumped for the sorceress. ‘Plumped’ is
right! Show us an actual living woman with bosoms like this and we’ll show you
a tragic cripple living in constant agonising agony. Seriously, did
13-year-old spotty dorks do the art for this?
as save for a ridiculously pathetic fetish for impossible anatomy
which extends beyond just our sorceress, the artwork here is
magnificent. Stunning even. Oh well, spotty dorks age, we guess.
Game-wise, if they’d stopped at kind of smushing together 2D arcade classics
like Golden Axe and Rastan, and even Final
Fight without the subways, massive barrels and Mike Haggars,
then Dragon’s Crown would be super-fried aceness. But, as
seems to be the way too often nowadays, a mass of
convoluted RPG elements had to be shoehorned in. Yawn. As such, you
trudge about castles, dungeons, labyrinths and such with all the
power of an asthmatic dust mite, ever so sloooooooooooowly levelling
up to the point where the frequent boss battles aren’t interminably
long and dull grindfests that result in numerous deaths – despite your magic
and more traditional armament. Oh sure, you can buy back in – until
the loot runs out.
Unlike the boosies, that loot’s scarcely
bountiful, either. When you manage to retain some you can purchase
new, improved fighting ephemera – the usual schtick - so that
proceedings actually start to become more enjoyable. It takes
patience – numerous hours thereof - but those possessing it are
Eventually unfurling diverging paths, side quests,
online or local multiplayer and oodles of beautiful imagery,
Dragon’s Crown packs the content. But those just craving a good
old fashioned fantasy-themed beat ’em up will quickly realise that
it’s all a bit of a bust...