Unspeakable horrors from outer space paralyse the living and
resurrect the dead! No they don’t, but for a sci-fi schlockfest we’d
rather re-watch Plan 9 then play Eat Them! again.
It sprung from nerddom, with all the promise of absolute aceness!
A horror horde of stomp-and-crush giants clawing aimlessly when aim
is what’s needed!
Raging through the world on a rampage of destruction as
as a moist towelette!
OK, enough of the tagline bullshit, let’s get down to why Eat
Them! is a disappointment of epic epicness.
Consider, if you will, taking the 2D arcade awesomeness of
Rampage and plopping it in a more-or-less free-roaming 3D
environment. Create your own monster (albeit to a limited
point, as you start with only a few handfuls of options) and be let loose
to stomp, smash, zap and otherwise crush, kill destroy. Sound good?
We thought so, too...
A classic case of “nice face, shame about the legs”, Eat Them!
takes that awesome premise, presents it quite magnificently –
everything’s rendered in traditional comic book style and looks a treat,
whilst the soundtrack, erm, sounds a treat and there are levels
aplenty - then attaches a game that could have been monumental, but
epically fails due to ultra-ploppy implementation.
A free-roaming stompathon should give any player gleeful freedom to,
well, stomp – freely and gleefully. Instead you’re usually too busy
battling rough-as-hessian-undies controls trying to unstick yourself
from a stuck-to building, or eating people furiously to replenish
juice as you face yet another unbeatable barrage of
energy-enervating fire from most every corner of the screen, to have
Perhaps we shouldn’t complain, after all, the monsters are products
of the ‘PARP Corporation’. Anything named after a fart can’t be
relied upon for anything more than a primal giggle.