POSTED 29/9/14


FUTURIDIUM EP DELUXE

MixedBag

Id’s not eezee being an ageing Terminator.

I was once young, virile and shaped like Hulk Hogan. Now I’m old, sterile and shaped like Paul Hogan.

I used to kick ass and take no crap, now I pass gas and take Metamucil to make me crap.

I used to say, “I’ll be back”. Now I say, “I’ve a crook back”.

I once loved my vocation. Now I need a vacation.

Videogames used to be uzi – uh, easy. Now dey’re hard.

Age catches up wid us all.

Maybe dat’s why I had so much trouble playing Futuridium. Id’s not a tumour, id’s a 3D version of de classic 1980s – I like da 1980s - Andrew Braybrook Commodore 64 space shootah Uridium. But with more colour, coolah music and more toughness.

If dat means nutting to you, get to da spaceship. Hop in id. Get your ass to Mars. Fly over huge dreadnaughts. Shoot boxy blue shit. Blow up cores. Don’t crash – if you want to live!

Futuridium is also a bit Starwing, and due to da change from 2D to 3D might remind you of da trench bit from Star Wars. Why did dey cast that poncy gold robot? Dey should have had a Terminator in dat role! I’d have shown dat pussy Darth Vader a ding or two...

So back to trouble. Futuridium is harder dan I was in my heyday. If you get through da first batch of 10 levels den you deserve more medals dan id gives you. Make id further and you deserve even more medals. Beat even one crayzee time challenge and you’ll be ordained a god. Really!

Dis is one amazing game for letting off steam, but its hardness will deter all but da most hardened arcade fans. I’m not shitting on you.

Criminally, doze other pardy poopers will tell id hasta la vista, baybee. Dickwads!

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