review
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POSTED 5/10/11


GEARS OF WAR 3

Microsoft
Xbox 360

Be vewy, vewy quiet. We’re baiting bwatty Bweszinskies...

Gears of War 3 is shit.

Hey, how’d that ‘sh’ get there? It was supposed to be plopped at the start of the first para. Let’s try again...

Gears of War 3 is it. As in a trilogilogical wrap-up, and acenessness like Coca-Cola thinks it is – although thankfully this isn’t as syrupy.

It is, however, cheesy. GoW3 revels in its rennet-swathed love of one-liners. Imagine every Ash quote from every Evil Dead flick assembled into one continuous blurt, then submitted to AC/DC’s road crew for amplification and you’ll be ohhhhhhhhhhhhh-ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, halfway there. Hmm, maybe we should let Bon Jovi’s boys in on the fun too?

Bottom line, if you’ve no love for Big-Dumb-Action-Film groan-inducing throwaways then fuck off and get your jollies with Prospero’s Books: The Videogame or summat. Meanwhile, we’re gonna get us some yippee-ki-yay.

Yep, if you dig third-person, cover-based squaddy blastathons with shitloads of grenadey, rifley and pistoly boomsticks and torrents of messed-up, OTTishly-fugly cannon fodder to shuffle off this mutie coil then you’re in the right place. Some adversaries are breathtakingly icky – and try not to emit a Bill and Ted-tinged “Whoa!” upon first encountering a Leviathan.

Honestly, there’s no hyper-leap gameplay-wise from GoW2, but mechanically and visually there is. Your beefcakey team look the ’roid-enraged part and the voice acting’s delivered in under 30 minutes, so no free pizza for you!

Yeah, we haven’t mentioned story. Simplified, it’s Locusts, blahblahblah, Lambents, blahedyblahblah, kill. Realistically it’s more nuanced, with hilarious, serious, stupid and tender moments... like any captivating, action-stuffed drama. We haven’t mentioned the plethoragasmical online options either. Suffice to say, it’s never dull.

Our word limit’s a curse, but seriously, do you really need somebody else telling you GoW3’s a fantabulous shooter?
Of course not.

Shit, we’re redundant...

take me back to the start...

 



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ALL WRITTEN CONTENT COPYRIGHT © AMY FLOWER 2008-2017. GAME IMAGES COURTESY OF RESPECTIVE GAMES COMPANIES.