GEARS OF WAR 3
vewy, vewy quiet. We’re baiting bwatty Bweszinskies...
Gears of War 3 is shit.
Hey, how’d that ‘sh’ get there? It was supposed to be plopped at the
start of the first para. Let’s try again...
Gears of War 3 is it. As in a trilogilogical wrap-up, and
acenessness like Coca-Cola thinks it is – although thankfully this
isn’t as syrupy.
It is, however, cheesy. GoW3 revels in its rennet-swathed
love of one-liners. Imagine every Ash quote from every Evil Dead
flick assembled into one continuous blurt, then submitted to AC/DC’s
road crew for amplification and you’ll be
ohhhhhhhhhhhhh-ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, halfway there. Hmm, maybe we
should let Bon Jovi’s boys in on the fun too?
Bottom line, if you’ve no love for Big-Dumb-Action-Film
groan-inducing throwaways then fuck off and get your jollies with
Prospero’s Books: The Videogame or summat. Meanwhile, we’re
gonna get us some yippee-ki-yay.
Yep, if you dig third-person, cover-based squaddy blastathons with
shitloads of grenadey, rifley and pistoly boomsticks and torrents of
messed-up, OTTishly-fugly cannon fodder to shuffle off this mutie
coil then you’re in the right place. Some adversaries are
breathtakingly icky – and try not to emit a Bill and Ted-tinged
“Whoa!” upon first encountering a Leviathan.
Honestly, there’s no hyper-leap gameplay-wise from GoW2, but
mechanically and visually there is. Your beefcakey team look the
’roid-enraged part and the voice acting’s delivered in under 30
minutes, so no free pizza for you!
Yeah, we haven’t mentioned story. Simplified, it’s Locusts,
blahblahblah, Lambents, blahedyblahblah, kill. Realistically it’s
more nuanced, with hilarious, serious, stupid and tender moments...
like any captivating, action-stuffed drama. We haven’t mentioned the
plethoragasmical online options either. Suffice to say, it’s never
Our word limit’s a curse, but seriously, do you really need somebody
else telling you GoW3’s a fantabulous shooter?
Of course not.
Shit, we’re redundant...