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POSTED 3/1/12


JAMES NOIR'S HOLLYWOOD CRIMES 3D

Ubisoft
3DS

What would you endure to win an all-expenses trip around the world? Actually, nowadays you’d probably debase yourself for a giggle, slutty “notice me” world we’re stuck in and all. But this here puzzler thingy’s set in the 1960s. It was a simpler time.

You’re a contestant on The Incredible Puzzle Masters, a TV game show seemingly set in the Riddler’s lair involving... can you nut it out kiddies? Yes! Puzzles! An elephant stamp for you! Exclamation!

These 140 or so brain-benders – or usually brain-slight-ticklers - often utilise the 3DS’ titular 3D to help in solving, as you get all sit and rotational. Mind, if you’re a stickler for 2Dination then you’ll still likely blast through – usually super-easily, and often by just hurling poo wall-wards and having it stick here and there. Way to piss off the maid.

It’s Charles Van Doren versus you, basically, as you vie for puzzletastic teev domination. But wait, there’s more! You also get a former friend who’s now FBI, who enlists you to solve murders, which you soon learn involve ex-contestants from the show on which you’re appearing disappearing. Of course, any sensible puzzler would get the fuck out of Dodge so quick they’d leave those cartoony speed lines with cloudy foofs at the end, but nope, you stick around like a complete schlub.

Presentationally it’s mixed bag city. There’s some super-stylish Saul Bass-like graphics work happening, and some decent digitised peopleness. However, these animations are only a few seconds long before looping, looking very much akin to those fighters from Mortal Kombat standing doing the wonky-conky before eventually going the spinal whap. Need we mention lip-synch’s comical?

Fuck it, we’ll just chuck on some old Daft Punk and pretend that we’re circumnavigating the globe. Unless you’re a puzzleaholic, just say “nah” to Noir.

take me back to the start...

 



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ALL WRITTEN CONTENT COPYRIGHT © AMY FLOWER 2008-2017. GAME IMAGES COURTESY OF RESPECTIVE GAMES COMPANIES.