JAMES NOIR'S HOLLYWOOD CRIMES 3D
would you endure to win an all-expenses trip around the world?
Actually, nowadays you’d probably debase yourself for a giggle,
slutty “notice me” world we’re stuck in and all. But this here
puzzler thingy’s set in the 1960s. It was a simpler time.
You’re a contestant on The Incredible Puzzle Masters, a TV
game show seemingly set in the Riddler’s lair involving... can you
nut it out kiddies? Yes! Puzzles! An elephant stamp for you!
These 140 or so brain-benders – or usually brain-slight-ticklers -
often utilise the 3DS’ titular 3D to help in solving, as you get all
sit and rotational. Mind, if you’re a stickler for 2Dination then
you’ll still likely blast through – usually super-easily, and often
by just hurling poo wall-wards and having it stick here and there.
Way to piss off the maid.
It’s Charles Van Doren versus you, basically, as you vie for
puzzletastic teev domination. But wait, there’s more! You also get a
former friend who’s now FBI, who enlists you to solve murders, which
you soon learn involve ex-contestants from the show on which you’re
appearing disappearing. Of course, any sensible puzzler would get
the fuck out of Dodge so quick they’d leave those cartoony speed
lines with cloudy foofs at the end, but nope, you stick around like
a complete schlub.
Presentationally it’s mixed bag city. There’s some super-stylish
Saul Bass-like graphics work happening, and some decent digitised
peopleness. However, these animations are only a few seconds long
before looping, looking very much akin to those fighters from
Mortal Kombat standing doing the wonky-conky before eventually
going the spinal whap. Need we mention lip-synch’s comical?
Fuck it, we’ll just chuck on some old Daft Punk and pretend that
we’re circumnavigating the globe. Unless you’re a puzzleaholic, just
say “nah” to Noir.