Where there’s flannel there’s bogans, where there’s boardrooms
there’s arseholes and where there’s motion detection there’s a
sports compilation. We hold these truths to be self-evident;
although not all sports games are created equal.
Now there’s an example of how much US culture has impinged upon
Australia, we’re quoting the fucking Declaration of Independence!
Anyway, Kinect Sports is the inevitable package of sweaty
pastimes for Microsoft’s movementy thingy. It packs variations on
soccer, bowling, track and field, boxing, beach volleyball and table
tennis and, just like the C&C Music Factory, it’s gonna make you
sweat. Unless you stick to bowling, in which case you’re softer than
a Nerf marshmallow.
Kinect Sports looks the part, and has several neat-o touches
such as revving up the crowd avec fist pumps, minigame variants,
videos of you in flagrante delicto (ARGH!), multiplayer and
snatches of licensed tracks from the likes of Blur, Kasabian, BTO
and Queen punctuating events – so, big points for presentation.
Play-wise, however, different events offer varying levels of
succeeditude. The soccer thing’s hardly FIFA on a stick,
although it’s fun blocking and going the goal kick, and highlights
how Kinect can uniquely detect what your feetses be up to. Bowling’s
a bit flooby in that it’s quite hit and miss, whilst track and field
with its five events is fun, although the likes of discus don’t
really involve much interaction.
Boxing works better than the Wii one, whilst beach volleyball
suffers from lag, tries to make up for it with targets and just ends
up frustrating and messy. Ping... uh, table tennis is a hoot though,
especially smashing the living crap out of a ball and watching your
opponent going “wha...?!”
You’ll laugh you’ll cry, you’ll hurl... erm, you’ll jump, you’ll
pump, you’ll sweat? Towel, stat!