review
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POSTED 15/6/12


LOLLIPOP CHAINSAW

Warner Bros Interactive
PS3 (also on Xbox 360)

We always thought Robert Smith was such a nice bloke. Klutzy with the lippy, sure, but he sang about caterpillars and love cats, and dressed in a sweetie-pie bear suit...

Turns out he’s a prick. Well, somebody who looks like a thin him is. But we’ve jumped ahead.

So, take Buffy. Give her a lobotomy. Hello Juliet Starling, zombie hunter!

Not just putting the ‘bimb’ into ‘bimbo’, Juliet also stuffs in every blonde, cheerleading cliché imaginable, enough to make any rabid feminist, umm, more rabid. It’s her birthday and her world turns to shit as Bob – or his thin doppelishganger - lets loose a zombie apocalypse as big as, umm, the last fucking zombie apocalypse.

Just when she thought it couldn’t suck harder, a shambler chomps her boyfriend. But she’s like all magic, so severs his head and keyrings it. Somehow he remains sentient, just dickless, legless and mostly armless... Well, unless he’s plopped onto a zombie bod for blue meanie meat puppet actiontasticness.

A scantily-clad third-person comic-styled grindhouse kick/pom-pom/saw romperama, LC oozed from Suda51’s wondrously fucked-up bonce, so we had higher hopes of aceness than Cypress Hill (insert preferred stoner gag if that’s too crapulent). It starts promisingly, with wicked punk-infused humour, heaps of dishing shit on emos and amusing combat with natty power-ups.

But, for some fucked-up reason, poxy minigames invade. Zombie basketball’s passable, but zombie baseball’s more broken than any Nickelback CDs that cross our desk. The default lock-on system is stuffed, disable it and you’ve more hope of eventually conquering definitively cruddy design. We believe they’re updating that heading in the Funk & Wagnalls as we type...

Such ineptness torpedoes any willingness to forgive repetitiveness for great writing – and loving hearing Toni Basil’s ‘Mickey’ when JS goes all Ms Sparkle. We’re, like, totally bummed, y’know?

Juliet Starling. She saved the world. A little.

take me back to the start...

 



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ALL WRITTEN CONTENT COPYRIGHT © AMY FLOWER 2008-2017. GAME IMAGES COURTESY OF RESPECTIVE GAMES COMPANIES.