MARIO KART 7
“We’re the originator, not the imitator”. If we had a dollar from
every rapper that made this claim we’d have both serious bling-burn
and enough bucks to go apeshitcrazybonkers at Cold Rock, lapping up
nummy-nummy smushed ice cream along with the irony.
Mario Kart actually IS the originator. Well, not in a rapping
sense, but definitely in a character-based videogame go-karting
sense. So, unlike Sonic, Pac-Man, Digimon, The Smurfs, Final
Fantasy’s Chocobos, Banjo Kazooie, M&Ms, Spongebob, Woody
Woodpecker and even fucking Crazy Frog (if you don’t know, don’t
ask), Nintendo can do whatever they want with it, and pump ’em out
until the Daisy Hills cows go “moo!”. Oh, hang on, they’re sheepy
things. Erm, “Baa!”.
But messing with successful formulas isn’t always S-M-R-T – uh, we
mean S-M-A-R-T. Just ask Coca-Cola. New to MK7, you not only
fang around all wheely-like, you sometimes go hang-glidery to
finagle your way from big air to terra firma. You’ll also glub-glub
along underwater on occasions. Then there’s the kart kustomi- sorry,
customisation. Pick from various frames, wheels and other bits, with
more unlocking as you progress. Plus there’s 3D, duh! In a koopa
shell, all four additions are completely, totally and utterly
unnecessary, and don’t add to the experience in any purposeful way.
Still, spare a thought for Nintendo; they’re damned either way.
Don’t fiddle and the usual idiot gamer chorus will whine about it
not having evolved, bleaty-bleaty-blah-blah. Mess with it and people
like us moan, for Super Mario Kart on the SNES remains, to us
at least, the most perfect videogame ever. It’s been downhill ever
since because the Big N has subscribed to the evolutionary path. New
isn’t always better.
Anyway, Mario Kart 7 isn’t sucky, for its classic MK roots –
some more obvious than they’ve been for a while - are bulletproof.
But a remastering of the originator would have been heaps more fun.
Evolve that, Mr Darwin.