PLAYSTATION MOVE HEROES
“We need a
mascot with grip”. Words quite likely yelped frustratedly during
many a Sony marketing meeting...
Sadly, they haven’t managed it. No Mario, no Sonic – the best
they’ve achieved is Ratchet & Clank, Jak & Daxter and Sly Cooper
avec les complices criminels. Ace in their own worlds, but
hardly pop culture icon material (although we reckon Clank rocks –
but that fucks with our argument).
So, howsabout banging them all together? Well, other than a
god-awful cacophony of metallic sounds and meatbag squooshes, you
get the horrendously named PlayStation Move Heroes.
As the moniker kinda screams, it’s designed for the
great-tech-shame-about-the-games Move controller, and does its
damnedest to frustrate you enough trying to juggle a DualShock in
your non-dominant hand to drop megabucks on one of those
nunchukalikes that costs lots.
So, six epic (by PS standards) characters together The
Expendables style. Awesome on toast, or what? “Or what”,
unfortunately. You’d think such a collision would be ripe for all-in
3D adventuring rompage, yeah? Nah. Instead it’s just a – resigned
sigh - minigame collection. Also, other than within several (quite
gorgeous) cutscenes, they don’t intermingle, save for wussy
multiplayer where one player’s useful and the other’s just a hovery,
bad-smelly afterthought. Holy missed opportunities Batma... erm,
Badma... umm, my lord.
So, variations on bowling, disc chucking, shooting, whipping and
brawling are it. Naturally there are collectibles, plus medals to
chow down upon (should you have hearty chompers), but it’s all a
bit, well, squalid and repetitive really repetitive really
repetitive really. Meanwhile, echoey voiceover guy will likely have
you wishing you could aim your arsenal at his tonsils... or your own
Move Heroes could’ve – and should’ve - been shiny disc
whoppertasticness. Ultimately though it may look like a fish, but it
Moves like a cow. Moo.