POSTED 14/4/11


PLAYSTATION MOVE HEROES

Sony
PS3/Move

“We need a mascot with grip”. Words quite likely yelped frustratedly during many a Sony marketing meeting...

Sadly, they haven’t managed it. No Mario, no Sonic – the best they’ve achieved is Ratchet & Clank, Jak & Daxter and Sly Cooper avec les complices criminels. Ace in their own worlds, but hardly pop culture icon material (although we reckon Clank rocks – but that fucks with our argument).

So, howsabout banging them all together? Well, other than a god-awful cacophony of metallic sounds and meatbag squooshes, you get the horrendously named PlayStation Move Heroes.

As the moniker kinda screams, it’s designed for the great-tech-shame-about-the-games Move controller, and does its damnedest to frustrate you enough trying to juggle a DualShock in your non-dominant hand to drop megabucks on one of those nunchukalikes that costs lots.

So, six epic (by PS standards) characters together The Expendables style. Awesome on toast, or what? “Or what”, unfortunately. You’d think such a collision would be ripe for all-in 3D adventuring rompage, yeah? Nah. Instead it’s just a – resigned sigh - minigame collection. Also, other than within several (quite gorgeous) cutscenes, they don’t intermingle, save for wussy multiplayer where one player’s useful and the other’s just a hovery, bad-smelly afterthought. Holy missed opportunities Batma... erm, Badma... umm, my lord.

So, variations on bowling, disc chucking, shooting, whipping and brawling are it. Naturally there are collectibles, plus medals to chow down upon (should you have hearty chompers), but it’s all a bit, well, squalid and repetitive really repetitive really repetitive really. Meanwhile, echoey voiceover guy will likely have you wishing you could aim your arsenal at his tonsils... or your own ears.

PlayStation Move Heroes could’ve – and should’ve - been shiny disc whoppertasticness. Ultimately though it may look like a fish, but it Moves like a cow. Moo.

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