PS3 (also on Xbox 360)
may sound like a battery brand from a
Looney Tunes romp, but NeverDead is actually the tale
of a sort of demonic Mr Potato Head.
The spud in question is Bryce Boltzmann, not deceased. He’s been
kicking around for some 600 years and boy is he tired – BAM! Sorry.
Anyway, he’s employed by a governmental agency known as NADA - and
that’s not NASA said with a cold. Perhaps due to ageical decrepitude
he has a propensity to shed bits. Arms, legs, bonce... très
embarrassant in mixed company.
That’s the hook in this action-adventure thing – vaguely like in
DecapAttack back on the Mega Drive, except that was ace. But
we’re getting a-head of ourselves (hey, that’s comedy gold compared
to some of the drecknastic lines here).
Anyway, you’re paired with a spotty teen boy wank fantasy, aka
ludicrously scantily-clad NADA agent/bimbo Arcadia Maximille
(seriously, who names their daughter after a Duran Duran spinoff
band?!). Together you explore eight boringly-named areas, battling
assorted demonic spurtles ranging from hellhounds to mutie bubbas
and all manner of shit that defies description other than “all
manner of shit”. Plus there are interminable boss battles.
OK, obviously we’re not impressed. Why? It’s 2012, and this game’s
date-stamped as such. So, why’s the camera like a refugee from a
B-grade PSX game? Too close, too random, too spinny, too
hello lunch! Then there’s that hook. Get attacked and limbs randomly
sproing about the landscape. Down to a head? Roll about Katamari-like
reassemble, whilst battling relentless hordes of repetititititititive assailants, including those mutie bubbas that
dig swallowing heads – for all eternity. Cue restart...
We could whine about convoluted controls and the multipronged
assault of – perhaps appropriately, considering the protagonist’s
predicament - endless frustration, but meh. Bimby
Maxisquidgyboobyknickers or whatever her name is sums this
cheesefest up best – “Eww, that was so gross!”