RUSH 'N ATTACK: EX-PATRIOT
PS3/PSN (also on Xbox 360/XBLA)
*SNORT* In this apparent sequel to homophonic ’80s arcade
smasheroonie Rush’n Attack – better known to many of us as
the less politically nyahh-nyahh Green Beret - you lead a
team of *SNORT* ‘ninja badasses’ deep into Russki territory. They’re
caught before things even begin, meaning a: ‘badasses’ our arse and
b: you’re a really fucking shitty leader.
But we feel like reminiscing before diving deeper into this. Our
main Green Beret days were on the C64. Girders a-go-go as you
frenetically careened from left to right, with the Russian military
throwing everything at you but the kitchen sinkski as you cut them
up real good. All soundtracked by Martin Galway strangling every
last wondrous squonk of awesome out of the SID chip. Ah, good times.
So, you’d expect this modern day sequel to pack more action and
acegasmicness, yeah? Well, we did – colour us suckered. It may have
the name, but other than controlling a blade-wielding soldier-type,
there’s not much to get reminiscetational about.
Instead, RnA:EP is a mish-mash of several styles – a
particularly good example of the hoary adage ‘jack of all trades,
master of none’. It’s a bit Castlevania, with maps to
traverse up, down, left, right and sideways – even though that last
one’s covered by the two before it. It’s a tad Rolling Thunder, with
hidey-hole stealthy elements. It’s a smidgeon Shinobi and its
fucktonnes Bionic Commando, except without that game’s
coolest bit. Yep, that’d be the extendo-arm.
Game stews can be yummy, but everything has to be right.
Unfortunately the controls here are finicky at best. Anything other
than walking can be fraught with frustration as your little Morrow
dude struggles with ladders and ledges. Freneticness? Gone!
Meanwhile, animations stymie free-flowingness, and as for the
Where’s our C64 emulator? This thing’s plopski.