PS3 (also on Xbox 360, PC)
hate tombs.” Inspired words from a woman who knows how to raid...
Yes, she of the formerly polygonical breasty-bits has returned,
but she hasn’t. Huh? Well, it’s the in thing – Lara Croft’s been
rebooted. This is an origin story, starting with a scared young
woman undergoing a Titanic situation and ending... now that’d be
telling. But, thankfully, there’s no barefootedness or pregnancy.
Taking numerous cues from Uncharted (adventurer,
puzzles, weaponry), and a splodge of Far Cry 3 (open
worldiness, hunting, upgrades), Tomb Raider – or
UnFarted - doesn’t fritter time getting actiontastic. As the
camera ducks and dives like it’s held by Lars Von Trier amidst a
brawl in a bouncy castle, you’ll notice cutscenes seamlessly flow
into gameplay and back. There’re oodles of ’em, sometimes with
burdensome quick time events, but pacing rarely abates.
You’ll quickly really feel for young Lara. She morphs from Bambi to
Rambo remarkably speedily – we would too if faced with some of the
shit that’s lobbed at her. You’ll also soon realise that she’s a
monster pyromaniac. Now Lara, put down that Zippo...
Rambotastic arsenal’s ever-evolving, from peashooteresque bow/arrow
twinset through pistols, rifles and more, which you upgrade from
collecting crap from random boxes to baddies you’ve corpsed up.
Standard stuff, sure, but the cover system’s superb – unlike the
difficulty, which ebbs and flows, often frustratingly as you
suddenly confront every bloke to ever have donned khaki duds,
grabbed a boomstick and extracted cheapies from hunting wascally
women. You’d swear they’ve jammed a tracking device up your clacker.
Crazed feminists could level criticism at various occurrences in
the story, but we won’t. After all, we’ve played as innumerable
blokes throughout the years who’ve suffered all manner of horrific,
emasculating indignities in the name of us getting our gaming fix.
Better off dead? No way! Despite occasional clunks, Lara’s
rebirth should buck up any little camper.