POSTED 11/3/12


TWISTED METAL

Sony
PS3

Mummy, clowns are yucky.

Well tough titties kid, for you are a clown. Not you personally, rather the initial protagonist here is of the harlequinic persuasion. More specifically, you’re a flame-haired clown – not as in bloodnut, rather the hot stuff of which Kasabian were enamoured enough to sing about - and he makes Ronald McDonald appear huggable.

There’s a needlessly macabre, fucked-up story that unfolds in cutscenes – all the more curious as despite being creepy turned up to 11, numerous F-words are politely censored. We’ve NFI what it has to do with crashing assorted transportational means...

Yep, vehicular carnage is the go – as fans of the series on previous PlayStations already know. Choose from cars through big rigs with several other flavours in-between – even a helichopperator - all more-or-less balanced somehow between speed, power and fortitude. Then get let loose in any of 30 courses within eight giantesque maps – locally or online - the aim being survival whilst smushinating all opposition (and much infrastructure) with your tanks and your bombs and your guns and your rockets and your... erm, you get the idea, without us going the full Cranberries.

Bonus stuff litters arenas, bolstering arsenalality or replenishing weaponry, health, etc. Get too beepy-beepy-oh-fuck-we’re-gonna-die and you can retreat garagewards and go forth within another wheely weapon.

Eventual boss battles may break your brain, plus there are races, which are gigantic rectum pains as opponents make a pinball of you. That you must win to unlock ensuing playable bits is a horrid throwback – actually, visually in many ways TM is that as a whole. If this had rocked up on the PS2 it’d have looked the funk, but on the PS3 it’s drabby.

Still, once you nail the convoluted controls there’s fun to be had going hyper-destructive. Just take our advice – don’t stop for an ice cream.

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