POSTED 1/10/11


WARHAMMER 40,000: SPACE MARINE

THQ

Hur-hur-hur, tabletop wargamers. Basement-dwelling, can’t-get-a-date, chubtastic pizza-assimilating Jeff Albertsons playing bang-bangs with painstakingly Humbrol-swaddled toy soldiers...

Well, the stereotype goes something like that, but stereotypes are for dicks.

So, onto the latest Warhammer incarnation to escape the shackles of tabletoppedness. Being from Games Workshop we admit to preparedness for something turgid and turn-based, likely involving hexagons. So, imagine our glee (note, not the capitalised type, now THAT’s dorky) upon discovering a rip-roaring, actionificent third-person shooter bulging with cool melee weapons, oomphtastic ranged kill-inducers, jetpacks and enough red stuff to get any blood bank through the severest of world plasmatic crises – and no honeycomb grid in sight! We learned something today.

Initially it looks like the Romans are fielding an NFL team this season. These Space Marine dudes are buff. Really buff. That they’ve been pumped full of enhancements, backup organs (they’ve two hearts, like Phil Collins sang about, even though he doesn’t even have one) and more growth hormone than has sprayed the West Coast Eagles’ clubroom urinals likely responsible. We’re guessing that their sexist attitudes are innate.

Anyway, a ‘Forge World’ has been invaded by fucktonnes of mutie Shreks called ‘Orks’, who’ve thick Mockney accents. If they don’t exterminate you then they’ll likely tell you to dry your eyes mate before attempting to flog you a motor. As Space Marine Captain Titus, you and troops must Ork-estrate (bam!) the eradication of these not-so-little green men.

Cue that funky weaponry (white boy). Even your standard melee little friend, the chainsword, jovially extracts claret enough to make George Romero greenishly-envious (shit, he may be an Ork, kill him!). Seamlessly flip between close and distant combat, absorb Ork lifeforce and do it for the humans, alone or online.

Space Marine eschews brains for brawn and sexes up the tabletop. Fuck the stereotypes.

CLICK THIS!



CLICK THIS!