just us who gets Monty Python giggles whenever X-Men are mentioned?
“He’s an X-Man, he has ceased to be. Four million volts wouldn’t
make this man VOOM!”. Well, unless perhaps he’s Magneto...
Speaking of ex-men, as distinct from X-Men, Professor X is gorn.
He's kicked the bucket. He's shuffled off his mortal coil... uh,
sorry. We’re really sorry. Honestly, we’re so fuc... umm, we’ll now
resume our regularly scheduled programme. Finland! Finland! Finla...
no, not that one, that other one.
Umm, where were we?
Right. The Prof’s dead after he and Magneto lost a barney with
super-villain Bastion. Meanwhile, Nazistic mob ‘The Purifiers’ are
anything but nondescript air fresheners. They’re actually staunchly
anti-mutie, wanting to cleanse Earth of all funky-powered X-Men (and
X-Women). Enter you, one of three rookie muties itching to help
fight for mutant/human harmony.
X-Men: Destiny is a Devil May Cry-influenced beat ‘em up,
although DMC might be offended by that. With increasingly
awesome-upable powers you despatch hordes of everyday humans armed
with sweet FA – hello fair fight, not - in waves punctuated
constantly by cutscenes and short wander-and-sometimes-climb
interludes with collectibles strewn willy-nilly.
It gets repetitetitetitetitive quickly; your powers increase and
hello “yeah, yeah, punch, jump, shock, you’re dead, heya X-Man (or
X-Woman), yawn, what’s on telly?” as the mere two-button mash to
destroyinate becomes as second nature as flatulence. That’s
destroyinate everything except omnipresent invisible walls. You’re a
super-powered mutie and you still can’t jump wherever? We wish to
make a complaint...
Meanwhile, the camera’s obviously a Sorny, ’cos it behaves like
dingy early 3D romp days. You’ll fight Purifiers as well as all
manner of shit blocking your view. Eckyeckyecky!
Sadly, X-Men: Destiny isn’t resting or stunned, it’s tired
and shagged out.
Aww, and we didn’t get to mention thomasdolbyium or limahlium...