YOSHI'S NEW ISLAND
is our theory, which is ours. Yoshi’s the Nintendo universe
equivalent of Richard Branson.
While we gratefully thank fuck
that the little green dude hasn’t unleashed a chiptunes equivalent
of Tubular Bells upon us, and we acknowledge that at last
check he hasn’t spammed us with credit card applications, there’s
one crucial crux to our thinking. Umm, he has islands.
admit that it’s scarcely the most authoritative argument to have
ever graced argumentativeness – especially considering Yoshi’s lack
of facial hair – but, but, but. Erm...
Why more waffle than
the sum total ever consumed by Homer Simpson? Well, Yoshi’s New
Island is very much like Yoshi’s old one from 1995. Even the
tale’s the same. A dork stork, which delivers babies (of course –
stories about them growing in mummy tummies are lies, kiddies) loses
bubba Luigi to big bad Kamek, while Mario plops into the
unsuspecting care of the Yoshis.
These caring, sweet, loving
dinosaurical creatures – or more specifically one of them -
subsequently decides to rescue the green Mario brother, while
dragging the red one along on numerous perilous adventures. 10/10
for style, but minus several million for good childcare, yeah?
These quests invariably involve nefarious creatures under the
employ of the clucky Kamek. From veritable blips to screen-hogging
hoggy things, they’re all relatively easy to despatch. Even big bads
–generally little things embiggened - are mostly easily returned to
their maker. Which means Miyamoto-san has a bulgetacular
For those who didn’t experience the original,
YNI is a typically classic 2D Mario-styled platformer that
tends towards the easier side of things – assuming you don’t ache
for every single collectible, in which case it’s a tad bastardly.
While its lack of innovation means it’s no Never Mind the
Bollocks, YNI’s still a hyper-slick and fungasmic Nintendo
platformer. ‘Familiar’ should never be synonymous with ‘meh’.