DUKE NUKEM FOREVER
PS3 (also on Xbox 360, PC)
Duke Nukem is
an anachronism wrapped in a prolepsis inside a solecism (thank you
Sir Winston Churchill – and Peter Mark Roget). He’s all the
Expendables smushed into one, with Andrew Dice Clay jammed in as
well. He’s a cartoon, a caricature and, often, a cack. Misogynistic?
Nah, Duke LOVES women... he’s also kept us waiting 12 fucking years
for some new action.
Having been the vapourware poster child so long, some will flame
DNF even if it’s the second coming, just assuming it’ll suck big fat hairy
balls. Well, Duke doesn’t suck balls – obviously, he’s all man,
baby! This latest vehicle shows its real age though, despite botox
work to make it appear less like a last-gen title. It’s not
latter-day Paul Hogan scary-looking, but it isn’t super pretty.
Still, it ain’t no CoD –
Duke’s a cartoon dude in a cartoon world; realism isn’t key.
Most that aficionados who haven’t fried their synapses in the last decade
will remember as Duke’s alien butt-kicking trademarks return –
although ironically there’s no kicking. Classic
Hollywood-pillaging one-liners are just part of the funny shit –
will you dig the vibe? Well, the opening scene’s a
first-person view of a urinal. Your first task? “Piss”...
Level design’s mixed – we spent embarrassing time wondering where
the fuck we were supposed to traipse amidst a bluish murk of
ill-defined pipes, for example. Other times, things couldn’t be more
obvious if Duke reached out of the screen Morten Harket style and
grabbed the DualShock. Load times are bitches. Meanwhile, playful
distractions abound, from pinnies to RC cars (and, naturally,
Duke Nukem Forever is what it is. A game that, had it
eventuated on time, would have kicked arse. A decade later, however,
and it’s a reasonably entertaining stomp down memory lane.
Damn, what a pussy ending...