POSTED 21/9/15


METAL GEAR SOLID V: THE PHANTOM PAIN

Kojima Productions/ Konami

This ain’t rock ‘n’ roll. This is genocide!

We never thought we’d find a parallel between Metal Gear creator Hideo Kojima and Lena Girls Dunham. But obviously we have, or otherwise we wouldn’t mention it. Their thing in common? They do like seeing their name in credits.

But hey, Bowie acolyte Kojima is pretty much a rock star himself, and if we were as talented as him we’d probably dig seeing our name all over the place – especially if we knew it would piss off gaming Grinch Konami.

The Phantom Pain is the meat and potatoes that follows the previously released hors d’oeuvre Ground Zeroes. Oh, and speaking of horses, you get to ride them.

Tenuous links to amuse ourselves aside, The Phantom Pain is stunning. Big Boss you awakens in a hospital bed only to discover that you’ve been out to it for a while. Nine years out to it, to be precise. As if you haven’t been through enough, your room is soon infiltrated by dodgy forces, but thankfully you’re Jack Bauer, damn it! This intro is a drag – literally, for you’re all floppy limbed and can only crawl along, as you soon discover more evil things are afoot, like a devilish fiery dude and a wraithlike, gasmasked Molly Ringwald.

Survive this prologue and an incredible revenge sortie into Afghanistan and beyond with your newly formed Diamond Dogs opens up – a vast arena in which you can follow the script, or perform side missions or just go bush. There’s too much cool stuff to mention, but as always stealth is key, as is a preference for non-lethal progression. Of course if you want to be a complete arsehole you can blow the fuck out of all and sundry with all manner of arsenalistic oomphiness – but you’ll likely pay for it.

So keep cool, Diamond Dogs rule, OK? Hey, hey, hey, hey, beware of the Diamond Dogs...

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