NAUGHTY BEAR: PANIC IN PARADISE
PS3/PSN (also on Xbox 360/XBLA)
Nature versus nurture. It’s a complex, ongoing debate that we can’t
be arsed looking into any deeper currently. Well, beyond questioning
whether christening the newborn Naughty Bear something else, such as
Happy Bear, Benign Bear or even Not Clinically Fucking Insane Bear,
may have saved a whole world of fluff-stuffed hurt.
When we last tuned into channel
Naughty Bear, we were horrified. Not at how exceedingly naughty
he was, but how utterly shit the game he was plopped within was. We
compared it to the worst C64 plop, which was rather mean on
Commodore’s murky-brown genius box. So, how’s NB doing now he’s
pissed off to paradise? Umm, would you believe he’s kinda hit PS1
If you’ve not had the dubious displeasure, this is third-person
slashventuring whereby a bear who’s been scorned by his peers wreaks
lethal vengeance. He’ll literally knock the stuffing out of any foes
via methods ranging from a simple bashing to feeding them to sharks,
impaling upon cacti, barbecuing them or stuffing their stuffing into
a mower. Much like a beary Agent 47, he has a target in each level
to exterminate, before being able to shuffle onto the next hit of 36
on his list.
Some big problems from the original outing have been sorted, notably
the waywayway-too-close camera, its abject skittishness, lack of
depth and jitterbuggy animation. Yay team! But it’s still not fun –
and it could and should be. The premise is totally sick, sure, but a
capable game engine (and losing all the motherfucking interrupty
screens whenever you start getting a spot of morbid flow happening)
would help oodlesponentially.
What makes such a sweet bear turn so mean? We don’t know, but we’re
off to cuddle our Teddy Boombah and tell him we love him right about
now, just in case...