POSTED 16/8/11


TOY SOLDIERS: COLD WAR

Microsoft
Xbox 360/XBLA

Step by step, heart to heart, left-right-left, we all fall down like, erm, something, something...

Confession time. All we know about GI Joe is that he had a mean kung-fu grip and funky fuzz on his cranium. The latter was learned upon setting him up with our Barbie. Hey, the chick dug a man in uniform!

In other words, asking our thoughts on a game that’s dripping little boy juice all over our lounge room probably isn’t prudent. Basically, TS:CW dives back to the Yanks vs Russkies ’80s, opens the toy box and lets loose with the army men and their tanks and their bombs and their bombs and their guns in your hea... erm, and nukes (!) and pretty much every toy of war that little boys were programmed to desire more than education.

It’s all moulded into a Rambo-fuelled tower defence thang. You’ve certain round bits of landscape wherein you can plop various anti-commie weapons and go completely stragety-shooty-wahey. Occasionally you get to reign down battery-powered hell with planes and other voltage-hungry implements of warmongering, at which time you’ll hope you’ve got the Eneloops happening as the experience can be fleeting.

Yep, we’ve never understood the boys and war thing. So, theoretically if we were in charge we’d likely be digging on goulash or schnitzel or sushi or summat... Actually, we already do, so fuck your stereotypes. Still, we reckon if you make a game that’s all firepowertastic – especially one that’s basically a recreation of kids’ imaginations at play - there shouldn’t be restrictions. Ooh, say like crazy reload times on anti-tank guns that mean those prick bastard redses overrun your toy box. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

TS:CW mixes arcade and strategy interestingly. It’ll delight some, and frustrate others. Much like our poor, broken-hearted Barbie when she discovered Joe had no dick.

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