POSTED 18/6/16


TRIALS OF THE BLOOD DRAGON

RedLynx/Ubisoft

Go that way, really fast. If something gets in your way, turn...

Except you can’t turn. But we’ll never turn down the feeblest opportunity to quote our fave campy ’80s flick, Better Off Dead – and diehard acolytes of Trials may find that a state they desire after playing this.

Not that it’s the most woeful thing since neon-hued legwarmers, but it’s more Ghoulies than Gremlins. But not in a cool, ironic way.

Daubed with the trippy neontastic glow of the ace Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon, you variously control the offspring of its hero, Rex Colt. They’re dicks, but hey, you only have to endure some 30 levels, and that’ll only take around five hours if you dawdle.

The actual Trials biking parts are cool, complete with added grapply and shooty goodness. When your bike morphs into a multi-wheeled escapee from Moon Patrol it’s still cool. When you take the helm of a wee remote controlled ‘Turbo Flip’ it’s still kinda cool. But...

When you’re plopped into one of many way-too-numerous platforming levels, well, oh dear. Imagine CounterSpy if it was one of the worst games of the last few years instead of one of the best. Seriously, this is the shittiest, floatiest and most imprecise platforming that we’ve encountered since – perhaps appropriately - the 1980s. Blecch!

But that’s not even the worst. That dubious honour is saved for jetpacks. Yes, normally these strappy-back devices ooze aceness. But when they’re as controllable as Nicolas Cage when he goes off script...

Crazed scanline-infused interludes, complete with Max Headroomy blipvert-styled interruptions, are neat-o, and the bodaciously campy dialogue skates the borderline between so-crap-it’s-good and so-crap-it’s-crap, but it regularly made us cringe/laugh, so we call that a win.

There’s fun to be had in Trials of the Blood Dragon, but much hair-tearing and rueing missed opportunities too.

Now, if it had raisins in it...

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